History Lesson

When was the last time the Cannons played a meaningful game against the Machine? Was it last year? Was it never? Was it the last time Chazz Woodson was traded?

Something about that last option doesn’t sit well. Give me a second.

(Trick question: no game against the Machine has mattered more than this weekend’s. Both teams are 3-2 and tied for second in the standings. And the Machine are the yardstick for the definition of terrible in the history of the MLL. Yes, San Francisco Dragoons, the Machine were once worse than your colour scheme and attendance. What? Shut up, I’m looking something up.)

Okay, so that Chazz Woodson dig got the hamster running on his wheel. You don’t need another game preview. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. The initial question begets another question: how many former Cannons are tearing up the league right now?

Better question: How many aren’t? I have divided former Cannons players into three essential categories, feel free to disagree and/or do nothing.

Much Better as Cannons: These guys were Cannons through and through, as evidenced by their dismal play so far in 2010.
Chazz Woodson, Chesapeake Bayhawks (4g, 2a) Oh Chazz. So much potential. So much athleticism. So little aggression. Talk about a guy who only looks for one shot. One move. Run from X, dodge three times, shoot. Even if he’s behind the goal. Never plays with his head up. Evidence? The giant scar on his nose is from playing with his helmet unbuckled in LA and getting lit up as he drove to the cage. Chazz, good luck in Chesapeake. I guess they haven’t watched tape of you getting stuffed at GLE for four years.

Ray Megill, Chesapeake Bayhawks (7 ground balls, 2 penalty minutes)
Speaking of Chesapeake, I miss Ray Ray. Megill came to play every game as a Cannon. He played every position he was asked to play and never complained. A solid contributor in Boston, Ray is a middling role player on Chesapeake. He would be a great re-addition to the 2010 Cannons. *Sigh*.

Johnny Christmas, Chesapeake Bayhawks (2gs) Aside from the miraculous catch and shoot game winner against Long Island two years ago, Johnny Christmas did little to ingratiate Cannons fans in the last three years. I know he was everyone’s favourite player when he was here, but realistically he didn’t live up to his potential. Sporadically spectacular. He’s the Tony Allen of the Boston Cannons.

Tom Zummo, Long Island Lizards (0g, 0a) I’m wiping away tears. I just need a moment. GIVE ME A MOMENT.

Good For Them: These guys aren’t Cannons anymore, but they weren’t doing much when they were here. They have moved on to greener pastures and will be missed, but wished no ill will.
Brett Garber, Chicago Machine (7 g, 1 2pg, 2a) Garber only scored four goals in four games in 2009, but they were all spectacular tallies. When Garber wasn’t protected for the Supplemental draft, no one batted an eyelash. Who is going to pick up the UMass kid? The Cannons would send out assassins if that happened. Then it happened. We need better assassins. Garber is blossoming into a star for the Machine with a spectacular last-second-game-winning goal against Toronto last week.

Chris Fiore, Long Island Lizards (6g, 2 two-pointers) Technically he was better as a Cannon. But it’s been so long since he left that I forgot the circumstances surrounding his departure. Plus, his appearance in the Warrior commercial below gave me so many man-boob jokes last year that I can’t stay mad at him. A distance shooter and not much else, he’s done a job in this league as a two-point threat and he’s done that job well.

Traitorous Louts/If we still had them we’d be a lock for a Championship so I hate them: Pretty much says it all doesn’t it?
Chris Rotelli, Chicago Machine (11 goals, 2 assists) Rhode Island’s own played two great seasons for the Cannons and then bolted for the left coast the first time a west coast lady gave him a wink. He’s basically Bill Simmons, but I forgive Simmons – he didn’t have a nasty face dodge or a sick rip on the run. I dub thee traitor.

Kevin Leveille, Chicago Machine (11g, 8 a)
A UMass graduate. A Brine employee. A…you know what? He’s probably the second best Cannons attackman behind Conor Gill. And he only played for the Cannons for two seasons. Leveille is a vortex of creativity and impossibility. He’s not big, and he’s definitely not fast, but he is frakking Merlin with his stick. I’m going to go punch myself in the face. Excuse me.

Peet Poillon, Chesapeake Bayhawks (13g, 1 two-point goal, 10a) This one is on the front office. Guess who drafted Poillon last year? Guess who never played him in a single game? Guess why he left? I’m not even mad. I’m just disappointed.

Chris Garrity, Chesapeake Bayhawks (62% save percentage, 11.3 goals against average, 85 saves) See all those stats? Tops in the MLL this season. All of them. He’s the number one goalie in the league by far this year and he kills us every time. If you had any idea how many times I screamed “YOU SUCK GARRITY!” from the sidelines you would think less of me than you already do. I look forward to screaming it again the last game of the season. But this time I’ll have a Vuvezela, too.

Do you notice a pattern with all of these guys? A similarity? They’re all on the Bayhawks or the Machine. Long Island may be our “natural” rival, but the true thieves are the Bayhawks and the Machine.

Oh wait; we stole Rabil from both of them. Even Stevens.

Go Cannons.

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One Comment on “History Lesson”

  1. The Big Gong Says:

    hey kyle…no love for the lil guy tom zumo???? what gives…he had the assist on the miraculous last second finish against long island

    granted he belongs on the jersey shore and is a complete and total guido but who cares…still a great complimentary player


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