Press Release Translator: MLL All Star Roster to Face Team USA

Oh look, a Press Release! It’s the All-Star rosters! Yay! I’m just going to translate it into Kyle-speak since so many people want me to “do less” and Kyle-ese sounded too confusing.

Attack:
Matt Poskay (Boston Cannons): Poskay is having the best start of his five-year MLL career. He currently leads the MLL with 23 goals and 28 points in 6 games this season.

Translation: The feel good story of the year Matt “Barn cat” Poskay was picked to this team because besides leading the MLL in scoring he’s transcended positional identity. You think Matt Poskay played midfield before? The guy has ALWAYS been an attackman, he just ran off whenever the team went on defense. He’s in the same slot that he has always been chilling at the top of the key and sticking goals. So go on believing Matt Poskay was ever a midfielder. I dare you. All I know is that my fantasy team is murdering other people just because I picked Poskay and he’s listed as a midfielder. Oh, and he starts the trend of “players that should be on Team USA but aren’t”.

Kevin Leveille (Chicago Machine): Leveille has continued to show his star power this year. He leads the Machine in scoring with 16 goals and 24 points, helping the franchise get off to its best start in team history.

Translation: We picked this guy because he’s going to destroy team USA on the interior just like the Canadians are supposed to. Leveille is the greatest finisher on the planet. John Grant Junior hasn’t been himself, and Merrick Thomson is injured. Leveille takes the mantle. Even if he is wearing a hideous uniform and playing for a haphazard team.

Danny Glading (Chesapeake Bayhawks): Glading is in the midst of his breakout season in the MLL. The second year player has scored 12 goals and 18 points and has become one of the Bayhawks top scoring options.

Translation: We needed another attackman. Everyone else said no.

Matt Danowski (Long Island Lizards): Danowski leads the Lizards this year with 12 goals, 6 assists, and 19 total points on the year.

Translation: He’s also the worst television commentator in the history of lacrosse (Watch repeats of the D2 and D3 championship games.) and he thinks he’s a shooter on a team that needs a feeder. But hey, let’s get him in the game anyway.

Midfield:
Matt Abbott (Chesapeake Bayhawks): Abbott continues to flourish in his second year in the league. He leads the Bayhawks midfield with 22 groundballs on the season to go with 6 goals and 4 assists.

Translation: We needed a D-middie. Who plays lacrosse like it’s a track meet?

Stephen Berger (Long Island Lizards): The last pick in the 2004 MLL Draft, Stephen Berger has developed into one of the league’s best midfielders and is making his fourth All-Star Game appearance. He is the Lizards top scoring midfielder with 7 goals and 10 points.

Translation: 10 points in 5 games?! How do we say no? There are only 25 other players with more points! Oh. He wants revenge. He’s angry about being last cut from Team USA. Give this man the start! Please!

Dan Hardy (Denver Outlaws): the 2009 Cascade MLL Rookie of the Year, Hardy has made his presence felt throughout the league. In his second year Hardy has helped run the high scoring Outlaws offense, scoring 8 goals and 6 assists for 15 points on the season

Translation: Hardy listed as a midfielder…Hmm. I guess. Considering he starts at midfield and ends up drifting behind the cage on offense so he doesn’t have to chase the ball down on defense. Well played, Hardy. Skilled with the ball and improving his skill off ball, Hardy is a solid choice. No revenge here, just an opportunity to prove himself.

Chris Rotelli (Chicago Machine): Chris Rotelli will be making his third MLL All-Star Game appearance. The number 1 overall pick in the 2003 MLL Draft, is having one of the best starts of his career offensively. He has scored 11 goals and 13 points this year.

Translation: … Fine. He deserves it. He’s been terrorizing defense’s like they were 2006 co-eds. Good for him. I’m almost happy for him.

Kevin Buchanan (Boston Cannons): In his first year playing for the franchise he has scored 11 goals and 17 points on the season.

Translation: Switch hitter for midfield and attack, Buchanan has proved himself as a worthy successor to the traitors that left the Cannons out in the cold. You know who you are. I know that you read this. Next time I see you just do me a favour and take the knife out of my heart. It will be a nice start for the rest of the Cannons fans too.

Bill McGlone (Chicago Machine): Bill McGlone has been a spark plug to the Machine’s offense, putting up some of the best numbers in his career scoring 11 goals and 15 points this year.

Translation: Lots of goals! Only against short sticks! Rotelli does all the work for me! HAHAHAH! All I have to do is run at the net! I’m so insultingly one-dimensional! Go me!

Peet Poillon (Chesapeake Bayhawks): Part of the Bayhawks success can be attributed to the surprise play of Peet Poillon. In just his 2nd season, Poillon is the highest scoring player in midfielder in Major League Lacrosse. He has 15 goals, 10 assists and ranks 2nd in the league with 26 points this season.

Translation: Who is this guy with 25 points? Get him a jersey and a sponsorship deal. Seriously, who is this guy?

Face-off Specialist:
Chris Eck (Boston Cannons): Eck is enjoying another solid season taking draws for the Cannons. His 91 face-off wins this season rank second in Major League Lacrosse.

Translation: We need at least two guys who can grind out a few wins against Alex Smith. Statistically, this is guy 1. Eck’s been consistent in his ability to keep FO battle’s tight, but hasn’t taken that next step yet. Maybe the ASG is where it happens?

Anthony Kelly (Chicago Machine): Kelly ranks third in Major League Lacrosse with 73 face-off wins in 5 games this season and his .545 win percentage ranks second among players who have taken at least 100 face-offs this season.

Translation: This is the second guy. Just in case the first guy doesn’t work. And Greg Gurenlian was too busy eating babies to commit.

Defense:
Matt Bocklet (Denver Outlaws): Bocklet leads all defenseman with 32 ground balls on the season and anchors a defense that holds teams to just over 12 goals a game.

Translation: Lots of ground balls! He must be awesome! It’s not like Denver picked an LSM two spots too high to replace him in the draft this year!

Brodie Merrill (Toronto Nationals): The 4-time defending Warrior MLL Defensive Player of the Year will be playing in his 6th straight All-Star Game. Merrill has scooped up 26 ground balls and has scored 3 goals and 7 assists on the year.

Translation: He’s the only Canadian that said yes. And he’s the only one playing well enough for us to ask. Another stellar season for Brodie, made all the more impressive by his team’s apathy.

Michael Evans (Chesapeake Bayhawks): In his 2nd year, Michael Evans has been the defensive leader of one of the MLL’s best teams. The 4-2 Bayhawks have held teams to under 13 points a game this season.

Translation: He took a punch from RABIL! AND LIVED!

Nicky Polanco (Long Island Lizards): Polanco has continued to be one of the league’s most talented defenseman. Polanco is enjoying another solid season, recording 28 ground balls this year.

Translation: does Team USA need another alternate? Eh? EHHH? Call Polanco he hates everyone! A much better season that 2009, Polanco is no doubt playing in the All Star game to make a point to himself that he’s not done. He doesn’t care what we think – he just wants to know if he can still bash skulls at the highest level.

Brian Spallina (Long Island Lizards): Polanco’s Lizards counterpart, Brian Spallina has been outstanding once again this year. The team’s oldest player has helped lead the Lizards hold opponents to less than 12 goals a game. The Lizards have allowed the fewest goals per game in the MLL this season.

Translation: Thug quota: met. Brian Spallina – the most overrated defenseman in the league. Makes his mark on the game by applying black and blue marks to other players. Can’t handle the rock. Can’t pass. Can’t do anything but hit and check. I guess that makes him better than all of the other international defensemen that Team USA will face, right?

Goalies:
Jesse Schwartzman (Denver Outlaws): The 2009 Warrior Major League Lacrosse Goalie of the Year has been outstanding in 2010 as well. In five games this season Schwartzman has a 4-1 record with a 12.02 GAA and a .542 save percentage.

Translation: Talk about angry. Schwartz is going to show everyone that he should not only have been picked by Team USA, but that he should be starting. Not quite as hot as he was last year, Schwartz is still a top goalie. I mean, all he has to do is outplay an American/Amateur Lacrosse League goalie, right?

Chris Garrity (Chesapeake Bayhawks): Through 6 games this season Garrity has a 4-1 record, making 98 saves with a league best save percentage of .587.
In addition to the 20 MLL All-Stars who will be playing in the game, the 25-man US Men’s National Team roster includes 21 players who are currently on MLL rosters.

Translation: The number one goalie in the league right now has to get a shout. Otherwise he will cry.

Bad news for singles night, ladies. Can’t make it. I had a Man-scaping…incident.

Prediction for this weekend: Cannons by 6. Lizards refuse to go to practice before the game and force Jim Mule to read a statement on why he sent Tom Zummo Home. LI surrenders in the third quarter and goes back to France.

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